i am from

i am from nappy hair being straightened in the kitchen
i am from the middle class
i am from weekly visits to the library, and summers in savannah
i am from running through the water sprinkler and laughing with cousins

i am from heart break - parents who loved me, loved cards, and loved a good joke

i am from grandfathers who went to college
i am from high expectations

i am from all black schools with all black teachers
i am from scrabble and monopoly, the cosby show and a different world
i am from opinionated family members

i am from shyness and introspection
i am from listening and observing
i am from writing

i am from loud music on saturday mornings - the temptations, the four tops, and studio 54
i am from track, spanish, band, cheerleading, and dance after school

i am from marshmallows in the fireplace and blinking lights on christmas trees

i am from tenacity
i am from stability

i am from love

bobby

Bobby is 74 and proud of it. Sometimes he calls himself “old man” but if you didn’t know he was born in 1933 you’d have put him in his early 60s. Once a professional drummer, he still wears his Hawaiian style shirts with the top two buttons undone – revealing a curly patch of whitening chest hair. Wants the ladies to know he’s still got it, despite the bald patch claiming 70 percent of his head.

He likes to get his money’s worth (including senior discounts), but has no problem letting you know his pockets are full. He drives a sleek black Cadillac and woe unto thee if you look like you might damage it with reckless driving or sloppy parking.

He’s kinda gruff and surly from time to time – though he doesn’t mean it (at least not always). He’s a street-wise grown man and doesn’t appreciate comments that insinuate he’s not as smart as you are (whether or not it’s true). A little sensitive in the fair treatment category, he demands you treat him just like every other customer. Any slight on your part (real or imagined) and he’s likely to cause a scene. He has been escorted out of more than one restaurant in recent years.

He tries to reserve his soft spot for his family. He accidentally hurts his wife’s feelings pretty regularly, but apologizes in his own “manly” way once he realizes what’s he’s done. Being married for over 30 years, it only takes him about half an hour now to figure out she’s mad at him. Bobby loves his wife deeply, no matter who still thinks he wasn’t good enough to marry her.

casey

Casey is a 30-something beauty. Once a gifted high school sprinter, she's gotten a little soft over the years. Though quick-witted and physically attractive, she lacks the self-confidence a tenure-track professor should have. Her deepest desire is to meet her prince charming and live happily ever after. Her greatest fear is that she's too late.

Casey grew up a quiet, shy, only child. Doted on by her father, much the jealousy of her mother, she was undoubtedly a daddy's girl. It's this undying affection for Daddy that spurs her search of the perfect man. Casey's shyness is masked at times, yet down right debilitating at others. She still carries vivid memories of being too scared to respond during competitions in grade school (losing contests and the respect of some classmates as a result). Even as an adult, she will rarely try new places alone for fear of the unknown. When able to control all aspects of a situation, she is poised, elegant, in a word, brilliant. Spontaneity and grace under pressure? Forget it.

Casey's parents are Christians – her mom actually attends church, but her dad attends Sunday snooze services in bed. Not into "organized religion" but more a "spiritual" person, Casey is seeking a philosophy she can embrace. Maybe the right philosophy will help her find the right man. But then again, maybe she's just in the wrong city. Or maybe it's her hair. Whatever it is, Casey has to find it and fix it and meet him. Soon.

Casey has a couple of close friends (Gene and Lynette from college), but is generally not too social. She certainly finds it much easier (and pleasurable) to interact with men than women, and doesn't believe "girlfriends" are necessary. She spends most of her free time doing things that challenge her mind (learning Japanese, reading, doing research for work), and one can easily find her at home on a Saturday night (the perfect place, of course, to meet Mr. Right).

In an effort to reclaim her softening body, and investigate Gene's new-found love of running, she decides to join a local runner's club. Made up of mostly teen and low-twenty-something, competitive females, Casey is not welcome. She's "old" and "slow" and she's "certainly ain't in no shape to help us win no races."

Casey's challenge: discover and embrace the limitless beauty inherent in her own life, and support these young women who need her just as much as she needs them.

making moves

so i've moved an inch. maybe a foot this time. i have submitted two short articles to the world tribune. i've also (and this it the important part) joined an online writer's group/class. while i find myself a tad stuck for this week's assignment, i find myself unstuck on at least character creation.

i've shared my idea for my novel - runner's mark. i now have another idea though - a short story idea i had last year (based on a true story). my compromise, at least for today, is to write the bio for thanksgiving thief.

where am i stuck - now i have two choices and an assignment due based on one of them. :-). i have to plot my plot. in other words, figure out some of the high and low points of the story. much easier to do with a short story. and the good news is, i have a chance of having the whole thing written by the end of class. but if i get help with plotting a novel, that's something i can carry with me to other novels.

i guess the question is, which is to my advantage at this time? it's a win-win situation, but which win do i want most?

grad school

so i now have 4 blogs. well i administer 4 of them. can't say i contribute much to any of them. at any rate, i almost created a 5th one but realized how silly it would be.

i am more than halfway through my first semester as a doctoral student. it was pretty rough going the first few weeks. mainly because i traveled 6 weeks in a row - including one trip that lasted over a week. it was very challenging to say the least.

when i returned, i then had to struggle with a couple of challenging assignments that had me up late at night, tired, and thinking DANG! did i make the right choice? do i really want to be a graduate student? when will i have time for my life?

once i got past that, i realized, hey, this is my life. :-). that was a major turning point. also around that time, my advisor, janette, really helped me reframe a class that was outside of my interests. those two events/realizations made all the difference. suddenly, grad school was perfect and i was glad to be here.

this was about a month ago. where am i now? still glad to be here, though also still a little frustrated with one of my classes. we only have a month left though, so sometime after the next four weeks, it won't really matter! a bad attitude, since ideally each semester builds on the previous one toward dissertation, but it's all gravy. holla at a playa!

never be defeated

"Never be defeated means never be defeated in your heart."

Mr. Saito, SGI North America Bureau Chief, shared this guidance during a youth training course in Japan last month. Daily life is a series of battles – sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. However, we constantly hear guidance that "Buddhism is win or lose" and that we must win. How do we make sense of the seeming disparity? The answer lies in the quote above.

"Though one may fail or lose once or twice, there's no reason for regret. Just look forward and press onward" (President Ikeda, 9/7/2007 WT). It's true, there may be days when we really struggle or we seem not to be advancing as we'd hope. We may get bad news, a bad grade, or fail to follow through on something we promised (again) we'd get done. Our boss may treat us unkindly, the car may break down, or our bank account might be overdrawn for the second time this month.

These are not reasons to belittle yourself or slander your own life. As long as we refresh ourselves, renew our determination and decide to keep looking forward, our hearts are not defeated. And as Nichiren Daishonin says, " It is the heart that is important" (WND-1 p. 1000).

The good news is, all of life is a manifestation of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. This means that even seemingly negative things have the ability to function positively in our lives. This is true even when things don't go as planned. President Ikeda reminds us, "A person who has known defeat becomes stronger…Every all-out struggle we wage is a cause for becoming an unbeatable champion" (9/7/2007 WT).

We win when we decide to try again. We are victorious when we decide to chant more daimoku. We triumph, when in our hearts, we decide "I am a Buddha of limitless potential and I am determined to show actual proof!"

Buddhism really is win or lose. No matter what, keep your conviction and determination strong, and with that ichinen and heart, win every day!

greetings

i am back on the map. it's been ages but here i am. the good news is, life has slowed down. the bad news is, no i'm still not writing - at least not fiction. i have plenty of opportunities to write nonfiction. i'm looking for classes to audit - being a full time doctoral student and all i have copious amounts of free time (yeah right). at any rate, it would be nice to have some structure and guidance on writing.

one of my tasks (someone before the year is out) is to contact pearl cleage - one of my heroes. apparently she is very "reachable" and will respond to emails and such.

i have helped to start another blog (same background) for the myohosisters group. we will enact it tomorrow. hopefully people will actually go and respond.

anyway, just wanted to start back writing something other than ideas for research. i am happy by the way. and glad to feel it. it's been a long time comin'.

ndc

back on top

yesterday was one of the best days i've had in a while! i finished my 2 hours of daimoku, my homework, had a chance to contribute (though not a lot) to sensei's gift, went to a district meeting and slept until i woke up this morning (almost). (my alarm was accidentally still set, so i cut it off and went back to sleep).

things are definitely looking up! have a lot to do this morning, but i'm not overwhelmed. the main thing, i'm done with the branch book and done my stats for today. i still have lots of work to do, but things are so much better!

oh! all my travel is straight, and to make all those changes only cost me the $25 buddy pass from shaun! even the $65 i paid will be reimbursed. so i went from looking at $468 for one of two changes to $25 for both!

daimoku works!
ndc

better already

my life is much better. still not where i'd like, but definitely i am more resistant to the externals. including the new thing i need to insert:

but if you nurse an unreasonable grudge against United Airlines...

lol.

as it stands now, i will have to just not use the return ticket. to actually change my ticket to a one way ticket increases the fare by 300 bucks. that is soooo outrageous!

i am waiting on the travel agency to call me back. she is telling me it will also be problematic to rebook my ticket to a one way from LAX back to ATL. i may have to just buddy up with shaun and cancel the whole thing for domestic travel. i hate to ask him, but we'll see.

more daimoku. one hour down, one more to go today. winning in the morning is the key!

the 8 winds

as soon as it gets better it gets worse. my life condition was on the decline while still in new orleans, but by monday, it was really the pits. i was beyond overwhelmed, irritated 100% with j, and still trying to fit the obnoxious amounts of reading into my day. literally mapping it all out i still had 8 hours of work to do after my class ended at 4:30! that did not include eating, and barely included the daimoku.

i chanted to do as much as i could, stayed up as late as i could and chanted more while working. finally, finishing my daimoku in front of the gohonzon, a gosho quote floated to me. i knew it was perfect, but i waited until i sounded the bell one last time before racing off to find it:

Worthy persons deserve to be called so because
they are not carried away by the eight winds:
prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor,
praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure.
They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.

The heavenly gods will surely protect one
who is unbending before the eight winds.
But if you nurse an unreasonable grudge…,
they will not protect you, not for all your prayers.
WND-1 p. 794

immediately i knew it the right thing for my life. i went to sleep seeing a breakthrough on the horizon.

this morning i chanted while working a little, then did a resounding gongyo and more daimoku in front of gohonzon. i concentrated on the 8 winds, on sensei's poem to the YWD (my life, indomitable, like mt. fuji) and on my stamp (glory of kosen rufu). i reminded myself: my life is NMRK, my professors are NMRK, j is NMRK, my irritation and anger is NRMK, my sadness is NRMK, I am NMRK, and everything functions in life as NMRK. i still felt a little sadness, but i was determined and i was clear.

i printed out extra copies of the 8 winds passage, substituting irritations: "but if you nurse an unreasonable grudge against (your professors, SGI members, your benefits, your obstacles, your man, your opportunity to expand). it made me laugh but it was so true.

i also chanted again about j. i had all but shut him out yesterday due to my low life condition. but like linda johnson says, no BCJ. whatever transpired only impacted me. i was pissed off, not him. i realized after another interaction last night that perhaps communication is my challenge right now and he just reflects it in a major way. so i at least need to challenge it back before giving up or cutting things off. his heart is in the right place. he just doesn't understand my inner turmoil. maybe he never will, but i at least have to try.

i'm sleepy. with miles to go before i sleep. just getting started!

double or nothing

so i've been chanting two hours a day. my life just laughs at it. it's like i doubled the daimoku and it had an inverse effect. instead of happier and joyful, i feel sad, confused, frustrated. earlier today in the 60-90 minute time frame, i started to get emotional, so i stopped and let the tears come. i had a teleconference to log into so i couldn't carry on long.

as i told b, it's weird b/c as much as i've been chanting this earth-shaking, joyful, fusing daimoku, and as much as i can't tell it on the inside, on the outside people smile at me more, talk to me, etc. and i find myself much more likely to engage strangers in conversation, smile back, and just generally be more joyful on the outside. it's the strangest thing.

at the same time i get the opportunity to battle my own prejudice with j. we had a great conversation today wherein i explained my point of view on our developing "relationship." he paraphrased and mirrored back to me what i said. it was very powerful and affirming. i found more boundaries slipping away. it's deep.

he challenges my sense of ...i don't know exactly. but he makes me reconsider lots of things, most especially dating someone of a different faith. he believes things so parallel to what i believe - i dunno. he even said he doesn't think like a typical christian. i think that's interesting. i keep chanting for him to manifest his true nature. it usually takes 2 weeks or less to see the truth - that once again i'm attracted to the wrong man. the last couple of times it took less than a week. it's only been a few days. i'll report again on that in september. maybe this is his true nature. maybe i've met a good one.

in the meantime i'm praying for him to close on a big deal on august 31st. there is no closing date yet that i'm aware of, but i'm praying to show actual proof of my prayer and to be constantly in rhythm with the law. i need to add t's prayer which is "if you are my kosen-rufu partner, manifest yourself as such right now. if not, disappear from my life for good." that's deep. that's a lot.

i'm so tired. but engaged and now missing him. i told him i couldn't get too much closer to him while he was still officially unavailable. the SAME day, he got a court date. and when is it? my mother's birthday. too much.

so at any rate, we'll see. it's past my bedtime, i still have hours of work to do, i'm sleepy and i still have 30 minutes left to chant!

daimoku

so i have already increased my daimoku. not a lot, but an increase nonetheless. however we had our first teleconference last night. we have a new challenge - to chant a "minimum of two a day" to get ready. wow. i wasn't ready for that one. i immediately felt bitter. well, bitter is strong, but certainly resistance. that really just means adding another 30 minutes or so, but it seems impossible. well, impossible is strong too. but challenging. a MINIMUM. at LEAST two hours. wow is all i can say.

conflicted

i have conflicted emotions today. tonight. i can't blame it totally on the hormones. it's partially because e hasn't told me 100% that it's okay. i can't commit to it until i know for SURE sure.

i'm excited, intrigued, curious. not wanting to be overly excited and to maintain a neutral outlook. people talk about you have to have the right life condition. you have to be ready to meet the mentor. my life condition is already starting to fluctuate. it's disheartening because it will be a month from now, so whatever i'm feeling now (hormonally) will be the same then.

i need some official notification anyway so i can send in my money. it's due monday. why is it so expensive? it's okay. things will be tighter than i anticipated - especially with no fellowship. i'm still (sort of) chanting on that one. i want one. clearly not that one though i can apply again next year. i'm not sure what will be different. but maybe they went to more math/science people. that would be cool.

blah blah blah. back to the journey. i'm conflicted. haven't told many people. maybe i will get the final okay tomorrow.

the end

no more excuses. i have to do it. i have to reply. to whom much is given much is required. not expected, but required. that doesn't mean people want you to do it, it means you have to.

the story is from anger in winter. perhaps the peace lily can be part of that. i don't know the medium yet. i don't know the characters. i don't know the reason. well that's not true. the reason is to show that forgiveness is possible. and necessary before time runs out. but more that it's possible. human relationships are such strong karmic bonds - like ropes sometimes - inextricably intertwined. in unraveling the knots, people think they must unravel themselves. and rather than lose that which makes them "them" they stick stuck. but in truth, it's learning that you are perfect just as you are and SO IS THE OTHER PERSON that allows you to navigate the knots without losing your ties to yourself. that's the story. that's what it's about.

how to tell it? i keep being drawn to plays. i'm stuck in the formatting - which is why i'm really staying away from screen plays. i think it would be a good novel (or novella) too. the drama of the stage is intriguing. i don't know. i have to write first, then let the story dictate the format.

no more excuses. now that i know the end - the point of it all, it's time to start already.

damn

procrastination wins again. look how long it's been since i've written. and i have TIME now so that's not an excuse. i'm on vacation (still). and for hours i've done nothing but create a myspace page (finally). not to worry. it's coming. it really is. one day.

Fear

Fear once again has won. I’m not sure what it will take for me to finally get past it. I think of so many scenes – usually while driving. But do I put forth the effort to write down what I see and hear? So many times it’s daydreams, but it’s such good drama. That’s what makes it suck so. I need to. Really I have to I mean, get past it.

Harry Potter is brilliant. But I got so caught up in the reading that I became a recluse – refusing to take calls or follow through on important things (like paying bills or eating for instance or exercising). What would I do for free? Read children’s lit. I specify because I don’t always get as caught up in adult literature. But perhaps it varies by author. Who knows.

At any rate, I’m avoiding again. Having forgotten the scenes that were so strong earlier (pity), and refusing to look at this “wonderful” book that I bought (the stress-free guide to writing or something like that), I am stuck blogging. Again.

It is after 11:00 on a Saturday night. And really I need to be on a date.

nada hoy

i can't believe so much time has passed. i'm not sure why i haven't blogged, though i suppose everytime i thought about it, i never really had an entry or the time. wonderfully i've been writing a lot lately. i had to write two essays to apply for a writing group. i've been writing memos to sensei and determinations.

i've decided on an idea for a story. it's called runner's mark (for now). no details here, but i'm hoping to start jotting soon. like tonight. :-). of course now i'm sleepy. let's see if i can actually get up and start chanting on time tomorrow morning.

ttfn.

reminders

Triplets. Husband says stop kicking me. Wife goes ballistic. Husband escapes to make phone call to dad. Whispers the story. Dad laughs, tells him to apologize.
Hello baby - and he kisses her stomach - Oliver
Peace Lily
30 Million Trees 5-8
30 Million Trees from the tree's POV

• You'll never be successful
• You talk too much - women should be seen and not heard
• Your goal is ridiculous; just give up!

It's with the struggle you gain your sincerity
To beat into shape; to move ahead with difficulty ?
How to Use the Practice to win
Lessons from the Hydragena
Winter Roses (rosebush - cycle of life and death)

NMRK - Cinderella story (GH=FGMother)

Runner's mark

listening in

i feel like writing today. nothing special comes to mind, but still. i wrote yesterday and was really proud of it actually. eventually it will appear on another blog. maybe i'll post it here too. i'll wait though, out of respect for the original "publisher."

anyway, i'm excited b/c the writer in me is becoming more vocal. i have more ideas now and am (slowly) learning to honor the voice when it speaks to me. i prayed for 10 premises/ideas. i haven't been counting, but they've certainly been coming. i know vic is the basis for several ideas - including "the peace lily." i don't know if 'lily' will be a short story, a play, a missive, or what, but i do know it's a moving story.

i've considered applying for the young writer's group with the SGI. it's a pretty serious application - no need to apply unless you really do mean it. you get to write for the world tribune and the living buddhism. you have to write one article a month for each. awesome. and definitely doable.

as carlos would say, "now is the time."

now is also the time to update my website. i say content coming soon, but what does that mean? i have all my content posted on the server, but not linked on the site. i need to fix that....

maybe i'll do it today.

checking in

so far so good. on the memoir writing i mean. i haven't been writing everyday, but i've been working on it everyday if that makes sense.

had a major breakthrough yesterday. i was looking for letters and cards i've sent my mom over the years. only found a couple though i know a few more are hiding somewhere. but...i did find a letter from kendall. two actually. it broke my heart all over again. i think that might be a separate something. memoir, short story, something. he was a beautiful, intelligent black man, literally in the last weeks of his master's program and he shot himself in the head.

i was sick for days.

and though that was over 10 years ago, i cried like we loved and lost yesterday.

there's a lot shifting in my life, and i thank shiloh for that. (shiloh is an obscure reference to a particular person). :-). it's good though. and i feel more and more like a writer each day. that's great.

it really is the process over the product. i finally get that now. but i pray everyday to find the service in my process, so my product will be needed, received, embraced by those it should uplift.

so far so good.