double or nothing

so i've been chanting two hours a day. my life just laughs at it. it's like i doubled the daimoku and it had an inverse effect. instead of happier and joyful, i feel sad, confused, frustrated. earlier today in the 60-90 minute time frame, i started to get emotional, so i stopped and let the tears come. i had a teleconference to log into so i couldn't carry on long.

as i told b, it's weird b/c as much as i've been chanting this earth-shaking, joyful, fusing daimoku, and as much as i can't tell it on the inside, on the outside people smile at me more, talk to me, etc. and i find myself much more likely to engage strangers in conversation, smile back, and just generally be more joyful on the outside. it's the strangest thing.

at the same time i get the opportunity to battle my own prejudice with j. we had a great conversation today wherein i explained my point of view on our developing "relationship." he paraphrased and mirrored back to me what i said. it was very powerful and affirming. i found more boundaries slipping away. it's deep.

he challenges my sense of ...i don't know exactly. but he makes me reconsider lots of things, most especially dating someone of a different faith. he believes things so parallel to what i believe - i dunno. he even said he doesn't think like a typical christian. i think that's interesting. i keep chanting for him to manifest his true nature. it usually takes 2 weeks or less to see the truth - that once again i'm attracted to the wrong man. the last couple of times it took less than a week. it's only been a few days. i'll report again on that in september. maybe this is his true nature. maybe i've met a good one.

in the meantime i'm praying for him to close on a big deal on august 31st. there is no closing date yet that i'm aware of, but i'm praying to show actual proof of my prayer and to be constantly in rhythm with the law. i need to add t's prayer which is "if you are my kosen-rufu partner, manifest yourself as such right now. if not, disappear from my life for good." that's deep. that's a lot.

i'm so tired. but engaged and now missing him. i told him i couldn't get too much closer to him while he was still officially unavailable. the SAME day, he got a court date. and when is it? my mother's birthday. too much.

so at any rate, we'll see. it's past my bedtime, i still have hours of work to do, i'm sleepy and i still have 30 minutes left to chant!