conflicted

i have conflicted emotions today. tonight. i can't blame it totally on the hormones. it's partially because e hasn't told me 100% that it's okay. i can't commit to it until i know for SURE sure.

i'm excited, intrigued, curious. not wanting to be overly excited and to maintain a neutral outlook. people talk about you have to have the right life condition. you have to be ready to meet the mentor. my life condition is already starting to fluctuate. it's disheartening because it will be a month from now, so whatever i'm feeling now (hormonally) will be the same then.

i need some official notification anyway so i can send in my money. it's due monday. why is it so expensive? it's okay. things will be tighter than i anticipated - especially with no fellowship. i'm still (sort of) chanting on that one. i want one. clearly not that one though i can apply again next year. i'm not sure what will be different. but maybe they went to more math/science people. that would be cool.

blah blah blah. back to the journey. i'm conflicted. haven't told many people. maybe i will get the final okay tomorrow.

the end

no more excuses. i have to do it. i have to reply. to whom much is given much is required. not expected, but required. that doesn't mean people want you to do it, it means you have to.

the story is from anger in winter. perhaps the peace lily can be part of that. i don't know the medium yet. i don't know the characters. i don't know the reason. well that's not true. the reason is to show that forgiveness is possible. and necessary before time runs out. but more that it's possible. human relationships are such strong karmic bonds - like ropes sometimes - inextricably intertwined. in unraveling the knots, people think they must unravel themselves. and rather than lose that which makes them "them" they stick stuck. but in truth, it's learning that you are perfect just as you are and SO IS THE OTHER PERSON that allows you to navigate the knots without losing your ties to yourself. that's the story. that's what it's about.

how to tell it? i keep being drawn to plays. i'm stuck in the formatting - which is why i'm really staying away from screen plays. i think it would be a good novel (or novella) too. the drama of the stage is intriguing. i don't know. i have to write first, then let the story dictate the format.

no more excuses. now that i know the end - the point of it all, it's time to start already.

damn

procrastination wins again. look how long it's been since i've written. and i have TIME now so that's not an excuse. i'm on vacation (still). and for hours i've done nothing but create a myspace page (finally). not to worry. it's coming. it really is. one day.