conflicted

i have conflicted emotions today. tonight. i can't blame it totally on the hormones. it's partially because e hasn't told me 100% that it's okay. i can't commit to it until i know for SURE sure.

i'm excited, intrigued, curious. not wanting to be overly excited and to maintain a neutral outlook. people talk about you have to have the right life condition. you have to be ready to meet the mentor. my life condition is already starting to fluctuate. it's disheartening because it will be a month from now, so whatever i'm feeling now (hormonally) will be the same then.

i need some official notification anyway so i can send in my money. it's due monday. why is it so expensive? it's okay. things will be tighter than i anticipated - especially with no fellowship. i'm still (sort of) chanting on that one. i want one. clearly not that one though i can apply again next year. i'm not sure what will be different. but maybe they went to more math/science people. that would be cool.

blah blah blah. back to the journey. i'm conflicted. haven't told many people. maybe i will get the final okay tomorrow.