the 8 winds

as soon as it gets better it gets worse. my life condition was on the decline while still in new orleans, but by monday, it was really the pits. i was beyond overwhelmed, irritated 100% with j, and still trying to fit the obnoxious amounts of reading into my day. literally mapping it all out i still had 8 hours of work to do after my class ended at 4:30! that did not include eating, and barely included the daimoku.

i chanted to do as much as i could, stayed up as late as i could and chanted more while working. finally, finishing my daimoku in front of the gohonzon, a gosho quote floated to me. i knew it was perfect, but i waited until i sounded the bell one last time before racing off to find it:

Worthy persons deserve to be called so because
they are not carried away by the eight winds:
prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor,
praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure.
They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.

The heavenly gods will surely protect one
who is unbending before the eight winds.
But if you nurse an unreasonable grudge…,
they will not protect you, not for all your prayers.
WND-1 p. 794

immediately i knew it the right thing for my life. i went to sleep seeing a breakthrough on the horizon.

this morning i chanted while working a little, then did a resounding gongyo and more daimoku in front of gohonzon. i concentrated on the 8 winds, on sensei's poem to the YWD (my life, indomitable, like mt. fuji) and on my stamp (glory of kosen rufu). i reminded myself: my life is NMRK, my professors are NMRK, j is NMRK, my irritation and anger is NRMK, my sadness is NRMK, I am NMRK, and everything functions in life as NMRK. i still felt a little sadness, but i was determined and i was clear.

i printed out extra copies of the 8 winds passage, substituting irritations: "but if you nurse an unreasonable grudge against (your professors, SGI members, your benefits, your obstacles, your man, your opportunity to expand). it made me laugh but it was so true.

i also chanted again about j. i had all but shut him out yesterday due to my low life condition. but like linda johnson says, no BCJ. whatever transpired only impacted me. i was pissed off, not him. i realized after another interaction last night that perhaps communication is my challenge right now and he just reflects it in a major way. so i at least need to challenge it back before giving up or cutting things off. his heart is in the right place. he just doesn't understand my inner turmoil. maybe he never will, but i at least have to try.

i'm sleepy. with miles to go before i sleep. just getting started!